The Heart of Worship

Growing up in a Christian/Pentecostal type church that always seemed to have a great worship service, cheesy I know, but listening to those songs reminds me of the faith I had. Listening to certain songs I still recognize the remaining faith within me. Even though I'm at a different place and time in my life those words have new and yet existing meaning. I find myself in tears listening to the songs of worship, as I lift my voice up to the God I believe in, the God that protects me, loves me and guides me through this life. I find myself in tears because I'm overwhelmed with truth, love and grace. I've never been the best singer but I always gave it my all. That's how I was with most things I did, I did them with all my heart. I realize, just now, that I haven't been giving it my all these past few years. I wonder why things fall apart and crumble before I even get started and it's because I'm not giving it all I have. I've given up before it's begun. I've been living in the fear that if I put my all into something and it fails that I will lose everything I have...but what do I really have to lose at this point? I need to start giving everything that I do everything I've got. I fear that I don't have the energy, the will, the emotional capacity, the mental capacity, I've been limiting myself because of all the pain I don't want to suffer through anymore. I can't live in fear anymore because that means I'm not living. I'm so terrified of taking this leap but I know that it's time. I need to have faith not just in God but in myself as well...my philosophy/theology is probably skewed here...my faith is what has brought me this far. Even during my weakest moments when my faith seemed nil to none, faith found me. I learned to worship on my own behind closed doors, not because I'm ashamed but because it gave me a chance to connect on my own. To focus on the heart of worship and not worried about the politics of a church or other people judging me on how loud I sang, if I raised my hands to the sky or not. I'm not perfect, I know this and yet I continue to seek someone that accepts me with all my flaws forgetting that I've already been accepted by the one who matters.